Who am I anymore????

4/29/2015

Dear GOD

I do not know who I am or who I am supposed to be. For so long I just am who I think others think I should be. I do what I think others think I should do. I fill my void with “doing”. I fill my unacceptance with “helping” even when I am physically hurting, or unable to do so. Sometimes, I feel like a robot, that I am just doing the motions but I am disconnected from the feeling. I am not sure why and frankly I am not sure it even matters why. Sometimes I hurt everywhere and am so tired and it is hard. But that feeling sometimes crosses over into my connection to YOU LORD. That scares me more than anything.

Love, me

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That was my prayer or plea would be a better word. While at work, I heard a song that had such an impact on me that I cried hard and long. Then, I felt HIM. In my exhaustion, the peace of JESUS flooded over me. This probably sounds like those Sunday, hat wearing, and bible thumping woman in the blue flowered dresses, screaming HALLELUJIA! And if it does, I am ok with that. Because THAT is what it feels like to be holding on to GOD in the midst of inner turmoil, it is like sinking into a feather bed; being held tightly in strong arms.

The day got even weirder. We have emails from customers that come into a central email account for work. And there it was… an email that went like this:

“Christians should be patient and rejoice in our sufferings for Christ, because we are tokens of divine favor; we promote the gospel and prepare for glory. As we rejoice in our sufferings of Christ Jesus, we set eternally triumphant and rejoice in glory, amen. 1 Peter 4:12-18”

Then I heard loud and clear……. Deni, rejoice, you are MINE, I paid for YOU with my blood.

It is okay if I am weak. It is ok if I cannot. It is ok if I fail. AND it is ok if I choose GOD over everything else. It is okay because HE SUFFERED for me. And I may hurt physically, and emotionally, but there is NOTHING that will or can rip me from my FATHER’s arms. HELLELUJIA!!

2 Comments

Betty LaVere link

4/30/2015 03:30:33 am

Dear Deni, one of the biggest blessings I have had is when I moved here,to an Independent Living Apartment. I "finally" had time to think of who am I now, not a wife, children grown, one living in another state, and it took me awhile to get acclimated to it being mostly about me.
I had put others first my entire life, shaped myself for what was needed or expected of me (like you xo) Now I have learned it is OK to not be at my best everyday, I learned to be my own best friend and not talk to myself in a way I would never talk to others. I think I am learning to see myself as God sees me, His child, and I grow daily in His Word and find I still have a bottomless love of others and still help where I can. Just knowing you has shown me what a loving and caring woman you are. Trust me, you are just fine the way you are, we will never be perfect while on this earth, but the Lord respects our daily efforts. You are enough !! Enjoy what you can do without harming your health, rest and watch when you are not up to it. I think of it as alone without the loneliness. Again I say "YOU ARE ENOUGH"

Deni link

4/30/2015 11:13:03 am

Thank you Betty. I always tell my kids it is progress not perfection. Now if I only would get that through my own head. I love your words, "You are enough" because so often inside I do not feel like I am. Thank you for your words and encouragement! Love you!!!

Who am I anymore????

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