I do not know who I am or who I am supposed to be. For so long I just am who I think others think I should be. I do what I think others think I should do. I fill my void with “doing”. I fill my unacceptance with “helping” even when I am physically hurting, or unable to do so. Sometimes, I feel like a robot, that I am just doing the motions but I am disconnected from the feeling. I am not sure why and frankly I am not sure it even matters why. Sometimes I hurt everywhere and am so tired and it is hard. But that feeling sometimes crosses over into my connection to YOU LORD. That scares me more than anything.
That was my prayer or plea would be a better word. While at work, I heard a song that had such an impact on me that I cried hard and long. Then, I felt HIM. In my exhaustion, the peace of JESUS flooded over me. This probably sounds like those Sunday, hat wearing, and bible thumping woman in the blue flowered dresses, screaming HALLELUJIA! And if it does, I am ok with that. Because THAT is what it feels like to be holding on to GOD in the midst of inner turmoil, it is like sinking into a feather bed; being held tightly in strong arms.
The day got even weirder. We have emails from customers that come into a central email account for work. And there it was… an email that went like this:
“Christians should be patient and rejoice in our sufferings for Christ, because we are tokens of divine favor; we promote the gospel and prepare for glory. As we rejoice in our sufferings of Christ Jesus, we set eternally triumphant and rejoice in glory, amen. 1 Peter 4:12-18”
Then I heard loud and clear……. Deni, rejoice, you are MINE, I paid for YOU with my blood.
It is okay if I am weak. It is ok if I cannot. It is ok if I fail. AND it is ok if I choose GOD over everything else. It is okay because HE SUFFERED for me. And I may hurt physically, and emotionally, but there is NOTHING that will or can rip me from my FATHER’s arms. HELLELUJIA!!