Truth…… what a concept. I grew up to be nice. Don’t rock the boat. This was not an unusual concept; but looking back, it could have been damaging. Of course, we all want to be nice. However, somewhere along the way I misconstrued being nice with avoiding confrontation and not rocking the boat. TO accomplish this, I used the ability to reconstruct the truth to try and be or at least appear to be perfect. We all hear the “Do I look fat” jokes. Obviously, we know the repercussions of answering that incorrectly. In order to not hurt others, avoid confrontation or appear imperfect; I learned how to avoid answering things truthfully. When someone asks me to do something, even though I may not be able to, I say “of course, no bother”. If someone asks for money, even though I may be in debt up to my nostrils, I hand it out. Those times when someone asks me for help, even though I do not want to, I say yes. Get where I am going here? I am avoiding TRUTH!
I am working a Christian 12 step Program. I believe we all should. I think it cleans and organizes. As a parent I know I have unknowingly or not purposely hurt my children. I have guilt and carry shame because of it. We all do it. And until we seek truth, we will not be set free. I realized that. I realized that my life truly was unmanageable by various things but at the bottom of it all was that I did not permit the real truth. I obliterated my truth. Many things happen when you do this, one is you question yourself, A LOT! I am a very strong and capable person. I know this. However, in giving in to this process, I must also be vulnerable and allow myself to rest completely in GOD. (and those who GOD put in my life to assist).
So I have, I decided to turn my life over to the care of JESUS. Now a kid growing up Jewish, this is a bit more difficult than it seems. It is a battle I fight but thank GOD, JESUS is winning. Now I am at the door of Step 4. This is where I make a “fearless” inventory of myself. Looking out at others and seeing the areas they need to change, well it comes easy for me. (not a good quality) NOW, I am to look inside….. a place that is not very pleasant. SO I DO WHAT I DO BEST, I avoid. I use work, food, chaos and anything I can to avoid. Truthfully I do not even know what I am avoiding.
I am human. My GOD loves me in spite. I love that sentence and use it all the time. MY GOD LOVES ME IN SPITE. That is what gets me through.
It is the standing alone void of any other person that begins this horrid fear inside. I need to know that it really does not matter whether it is the reality or not, I fear being alone. In that fear I am not honoring GOD. I am not trusting in GOD. But once again, MY GOD LOVES ME IN SPITE!
GOD reveals truth. This means I also shall be holding HIS hand and seeking my personal truth with him (and other supports, thank GOD). No more justification, twisting, bending the rules….. just truth. Of course, this does not mean if you ask me if your dress makes you look fat, I shall answer honestly… but it does mean that one step at a time, I will learn what GOD wants me to do and I shall carry that out despite what others think, or whether I am rocking a boat. TRUTH……. Hmmmm, what a concept!
“Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).