I am just me. I am not a superwoman; best mom, best employee, best daughter or really best anything except “best me”. I am flawed, really flawed. I am prideful and intercede where I probably should not because I truly believe that I can prevent the ones that I love from suffering. That is an illusion. One I feed myself daily, and one that actually is hurting those around me.
I think because I read and read the bible and listen to praise music that I am closer to GOD. Perhaps I am to a degree but being closer to GOD does not mean being better, or able to “handle things”. It just means that I am not alone and GOD is showing me where I need to improve while providing me many blessings that I really do not deserve.
I am Saul (Paul) of Tarsus. Oh, I know I have not murdered but I have sinned. My sin used to stand in between me and GOD. I only knew guilt and shame. I did something wrong and either beat myself up about it so much or tried so hard to pretend I did not do it. This is also how I handled things when people around me treated me bad. I created my own little world because truly the world around me hurt.
Then JESUS entered my life at 17. I am now 53 and feel like I am running back into his arms for the first time. Yet, HE was there with me the whole time. I have done wrong to many and myself. However, HE brings me back again and again with loving arms.
I have trouble accepting love. Actually the concept of love confuses the heck out of me. Even when my confusion about love wrangles my mind, JESUS is there. HE holds and held onto me even when I could not hold onto HIM.
Sometimes I have trouble praying, worshiping and even uttering the proper words. GOD hears the groaning of my heart. JESUS does not see me “doing” – writing a blog, praying, worshiping – giving wrong advice, feeling hate, saying mean things – JESUS knows my real heart; the heart that more than anything just wants HIM. JESUS even knows I struggle, HE knows the authentic me, the good, the bad and the ugly and loves me UP!
I may hate myself at times because I hate my humanity but JESUS sees me differently. Now I just need to go day by day and learn to see me as JESUS does.
DEAR FATHER, Forgive me….. be patient with me. Thank you for holding onto me even when I did not feel your arms. I do love YOU so. In JESUS of NAZERETH’s name I pray. AMEN