I attach. I am realizing this is not a normal attachment. This attachment is not a scary obsessive Lifetime movie type of attachment however, it is not healthy. Tearing away my attachments is scary. I have covered myself wholly in them and when peeling them off one by one, I am afraid of what is in the center. I fear there is nothing. So I try and become everything to everyone. It sounds so immensely selfish when I am writing this and it actually is. This is not to say I do not love. I do. It is to say, I have no idea how to love normally. This is not easy to write and reveal. There is a cleansing to write all of this. I also believe it may help someone who has some of these characteristics.
I am weak. I used to think weakness was the absolute worst. I believed, when life knocked you down; you get up, brush yourself off and continue on. DON’T FEEL! Just be positive and all will be ok. Truth be told the appalling fact is that I ACT like I am strong and can handle EVERYTHING when in reality inside I feel like I am torn, damaged and empty.
I can be dark. (This blog post is probably evident on this one). Normally, I hide it under a barrage of jokes. I can be angry, I usually handle this by grabbing onto work, food, people or whatever make that intensity disappear. I use my brain so I do not have to feel. I analyze and depict and tear apart everything to see “why”? And generally the “why” I am trying to figure out is “why am I feeling this way”.
So, why am I writing this? Because I have made a choice to transform several months ago. I have asked GOD into my heart and my life and every fiber in me so that I could be who HE wants me to be. This transformation can be exhilarating at its best and repugnant at its worst. It is those bad times that I realize I hold onto JESUS. When things are calming – I put JESUS on the back burner. I am the prodigal daughter. HE IS the forgiving FATHER. And when I feel alone, abandoned and empty, JESUS loves me, holds me and fills me abundantly. I have to be a willing participant. And when I stray, I must say, I am sorry FATHER. And then that is it. The slate wipes clean and I get to continue my journey with my FATHER.
There is no other relationship like it. NONE! No parental, no mother-child, no marital, no friendship, no sibling – NO RELATIONSHIP that exists where it is like this. Free will and humanistic fiber does not allow for it. So this means we choose. Left to our own devices, most people will not choose what is good for them. Being motivated by money, careers, popularity, fun; all the things correlated to the flesh is usually what we are grown up on and drawn to. At one point whether by addiction, depression, loneliness, or whatever other dysfunction ensues; the question appears, “WHY AM I HERE?” and if you are open to the grace of JESUS CHRIST, your answer will come.
I still battle! Ughhhhhhhh, I hate battles!!! I spent most of my life in conformance with this world so I did not have to battle. My battle is different now. And I battle covered with the armor of the HOLY SPIRIT. And I have prayer warriors I can call into battle with me. Sometimes, I forget this. GOD knows. He knows that life in this world is not easy. HE IS NOT OF THIS WORLD. I hear that over and over. And as much as I hear it, I still battle with it and succumb to the pleasures of this world, forsaking the love of HIM. AND….. like no other, JESUS STILL loves me and still fights for me when I ask.
I wallow in the mud of life, and JESUS washes me clean from the inside out. (I came up with this one, LOL)
I am Deni, short for Denise. I grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood and a Jewish family. In 3rd grade we moved. We moved to a mostly non-Jewish area.... that is where JESUS found me. I say found me because I yet had not acknowledged it, but would find out later.......by grace, HE HELD ME ALL ALONG, just a lil Jewish girl from Philly.