I am powerless. Those three little words are very hard to say. IF I could take them to heart, I think it would be so freeing. And I am a work in progress.
I have a need to “control”. I control because I believe in that control there is an element of safety. Because of that need though, I have affected my life and those around me probably not in a great way. I have been struggling with this for a long time. Many of my blog posts have been evident of this.
On and off in my life, I have placed myself in the “rooms”. That is what they are called but it means I have been involved in the 12 Step Program. This past week I have finally decided to work it rather than just attend it. Those rooms became a feeding ground for me and my addiction. What is that, you ask? I have a need to over-help. Is that even a possibility you ask? YES, when it comes at a cost to others, myself but more than that to GOD. In essence I try to play GOD. I try to be everything to all those around me because I somewhere along the way believed that this was my role; this was how I was to be loved and gain attention. This was my drug.
So…… simply but in fear of letting go… I am admitting that I am powerless over the manipulation, commanding, and controlling of others and as a result I am also admitting that my life has become unmanageable.
Hebrews 13:15 exclaims, I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Inside I feel awful and I am not asking for ANYONE to let me off the hook. That is not why I write this blog. I share because I am hopeful that through my sharing, perhaps one person may read and relate and see that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST.
I have heard a lot lately about “positivity”. MY father and mother both prescribe/d to this notion. And it is a good notion and has its place. But in order to come to that place where you can see the clearing through the brush; one must first clear the brush. I am ok with that. I am also ok that this process may hurt but I am not alone. I may feel alone but I am not.
Denying one the reality of their feelings is denying them their reality. I have done that to my friends, my family and worst, my kids. I am going to stop. Today…. GOD is going to walk with me and guide me. I AM powerless, however, JESUS is not!
I am Deni, short for Denise. I grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood and a Jewish family. In 3rd grade we moved. We moved to a mostly non-Jewish area.... that is where JESUS found me. I say found me because I yet had not acknowledged it, but would find out later.......by grace, HE HELD ME ALL ALONG, just a lil Jewish girl from Philly.