I pray a lot. Sometimes I talk to GOD in my head, sometimes, out loud and even through writing.
I noticed that sometimes my prayers seemed almost stale. I seemed to always start with "be with" (fill in persons name).
I decided that for one day (yesterday) I would try and get real and worry less about what I said and just speak it from my heart. I wanted to try and refrain from the use of "be with". I am not against these two words; just felt that I had become too robotic.
In this little experiment, I realized that by letting myself just get lost in the prayer and be real with what was in my heart, there was this thing called emotion inside.
This was difficult. The hardest, I find at least for myself is seeing the little ones who suffer. It totally breaks my heart. My experiment came shortly after I prayed to have a heart like JESUS and what breaks HIS heart would break mine. Be careful what you ask for!
I am not comfortable with real raw emotion. I run from it, I overeat because of it, I immerse myself in activity to flee from it and I do what I can to numb it.
I tout my reliance on the LORD when in essence I still try to control. I realize that part of prayer is asking for GOD's help. There is a fine line between asking for help and providing direction for how to help.
My child was in pain yesterday and I just wanted her pain to end. It was agonizing seeing her in the pain. There are two really young girls that I know who suffer with cancer; dealing with pain that most adults could not even fathom. Then I hear of a wretched story of a little boy mauled by an alligator.
My heart hurt. It was ripping. I felt it swelling with a heaviness. I became angry. Here I am sitting in deep sorrow and anger. So I prayed. This time it was different. I got "real". It was not "LORD, be with"- it was:
GOD, I am hurting and I do not understand but more than me hurting, these children of YOURS are suffering. I just don't understand FATHER and that is so hard. Why are these little innocent children suffering so? Why is my kid in pain? Why does a little boy perish in such a horrid way? Forgive me LORD, but I am angry. I anger that I can't make it stop. I anger that it is happening in the first place. I don't know FATHER and I guess someday I will know. In the meantime LORD, I leave at YOUR alter my anger, my deep sadness and ask that YOU fill me with YOUR peace. YOU tell us that there is a peace beyond the understanding. I want that FATHER! They need that LORD. MORE than that, YOUR healing power is needed. I am summoning this for these LORD. FATHER these little girls that suffer with cancer are are hurting. My little girl just had a baby and she is sick and this little boy who is now at peace with YOU leaves behind many who cry out at his demise. I can't do anything for any of them except pray. I admit LORD that the feeling of being helpless is overbearing. I also see now that I have been helpless all along except now I truly realize that my help comes only from YOU! YOU CAN - I can't. So I place these situations in YOUR HANDS IN JESUS name. I know that THAT IS THE BEST PLACE for these situations to be. I do admit that I am unsteady in my faith at times and I am sorry. I know YOU WILL make blessings come forth through it all. Thank YOU JESUS! Even though I do not understand I do know that YOU do. Even when the situation may seem impossible to me, it is always possible with YOU! I let go and leave them to YOU FATHER - in perfect hands AMEN ❤️
Prayers are honest communication with GOD. I understand now that they can be messy, emotional and disorganized. That is ok!
I am Deni, short for Denise. I grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood and a Jewish family. In 3rd grade we moved. We moved to a mostly non-Jewish area.... that is where JESUS found me. I say found me because I yet had not acknowledged it, but would find out later.......by grace, HE HELD ME ALL ALONG, just a lil Jewish girl from Philly.