I am truly sorry for the length of time between blog posts. I can tell you I am struggling however, GOD is winning and always does. I do not know what my tomorrow brings, but then if we are to be real, we aren’t even promised tomorrow. I am learning to be more present, more present in the moments of the current. Worry was my barrier. I say though that with each passing day, I am able to truly rest in the LORD and leave my worries to HIM.
I realized that I have harmed those around me. It may have appeared to be “to help” but in essence, I buffered people. I buffered them from consequences; I buffered them from having to deal with difficult circumstances and I buffered people as much as I could from anything bad. Somewhere along my travels in life, I mistook this behavior for love. As a matter of fact, I was so twisted about that, it completely altered my reality. True love comes from GOD. And I have stepped in where I should not have. I have done this with so many people in my life. It was not even a “deni knows best” scenario, it was more of a “deni will protect all”. But that is such an illusion. The only true protector is GOD and the only real education is rebounding from failures. By “stepping in” I prevented people I love dearly from experiencing both.
GOD prunes us and sometimes breaks us to make us. There is freedom in this however instead of seeing the freedom, I am guilty of seeing only the pain and fear. GOD is correcting this. As the lost sheep that I was, HE carried me when I thought I was so weak and frail, HE gently pushed me when I was afraid, and HE gave me love when I thought I was so undeserving.
My next big adventure is letting go of tomorrow. This does not mean letting go of my wants and dreams however it means to truly understand the gift of today. I rest my tomorrows with my LORD. And I am thankful for the today HE has given me. And more than all of this, I am forgiven. Someone once said that GOD loves each one of us as if they were his only. That to me is mind blowing! I do not ever think I understood that. I do now understand that my behavior in the past comes from not really understanding that kind of love. Although I still struggle with it, GOD is so good and shows me more and more each day how much HE loves me. BUT, there is no bigger sacrifice than that of JESUS crucified, suffering on the cross for all of my inequities. HE died and rose so that my sins could die with HIM but my victory in HIM could rise as well.
All I can say is we humans, we are terribly flawed. GOD knows this. And when you are feeling at the end of your rope, hatin on yourself, lonely, feeling deserted and completely empty; LOOK on high – Accept the LOVE of JESUS! And let the transformation begin! Remember this: IT IS NEVER TOO LATE FOR A MIRACLE! THANK YOU JESUS for saving a schmuck like me! AMEN
I am Deni, short for Denise. I grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood and a Jewish family. In 3rd grade we moved. We moved to a mostly non-Jewish area.... that is where JESUS found me. I say found me because I yet had not acknowledged it, but would find out later.......by grace, HE HELD ME ALL ALONG, just a lil Jewish girl from Philly.