October 31st, 2015

It has been a while since I have written. Why? I may have mentioned this before but I have gotten involved in a Christian recovery program called, Celebrate Recovery. I must say that going through this process has been one of the most grueling and painful and exciting, joyful and freeing experiences of my life. I am only half-way through this process and am excited where the LORD is taking me.

I know when I hear the word “recovery”, I immediately think of drinking or drugs. However this journey has enabled me to see that life in this world creates layers of hurts, hang-ups and habits. I believe that everyone has a past and in that past there are hurts and hang-ups created. And bad habits, well, I will not even go there right now.

In these past couple of months, I have dedicated myself to “clean house”. I have been walking around with some deep wounds that I have come to realize, I held onto because, one, I did not know how to let them go and two, it gave me a reason. The reason for all the “woes”. I realized that even though I accepted CHRIST at the age of 17, I did not fully understand the gifts, promises and love that was there for the taking. As a matter of fact, growing up Jewish and understanding what the word and meaning of guilt is ( no pun intended here), I never realized what true forgiveness meant. I did continue on a path of trying to be perfect and beating the cr*p out of myself for every little thing that I thought I did wrong.

I am now 54. Two years ago, I had a desire to go deeper in my faith. I so wanted a relationship with JESUS. And when the student is ready, the teacher arrives. I have a picture on my cell-phone of JESUS holding a little girl with dark hair. Each day I get closer and closer to feeling the comfort of what that picture is. Each day I get closer and closer to feeling the love, safety and protection of what that picture means to me.

There is a Psalm, Where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD. (Psalm 121:1-2)
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I had to let go of my idea that I had the power and I was going to save myself and all those around me. I had to let go of my mixed up notion that I had to be everything to everyone because if I was not – I was not loved. But then JESUS came to me. BY HIS GRACE, the scared, alone, over self-reliant little girl was ready to accept him in. AND all through the years HE was there, protecting me, holding me… much like that picture. 

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