Truth…… what a concept. I grew up to be nice. Don’t rock the boat. This was not an unusual concept; but looking back, it could have been damaging. Of course, we all want to be nice. However, somewhere along the way I misconstrued being nice with avoiding confrontation and not rocking the boat. TO accomplish this, I used the ability to reconstruct the truth to try and be or at least appear to be perfect. We all hear the “Do I look fat” jokes. Obviously, we know the repercussions of answering that incorrectly. In order to not hurt others, avoid confrontation or appear imperfect; I learned how to avoid answering things truthfully. When someone asks me to do something, even though I may not be able to, I say “of course, no bother”. If someone asks for money, even though I may be in debt up to my nostrils, I hand it out. Those times when someone asks me for help, even though I do not want to, I say yes. Get where I am going here? I am avoiding TRUTH!
I am working a Christian 12 step Program. I believe we all should. I think it cleans and organizes. As a parent I know I have unknowingly or not purposely hurt my children. I have guilt and carry shame because of it. We all do it. And until we seek truth, we will not be set free. I realized that. I realized that my life truly was unmanageable by various things but at the bottom of it all was that I did not permit the real truth. I obliterated my truth. Many things happen when you do this, one is you question yourself, A LOT! I am a very strong and capable person. I know this. However, in giving in to this process, I must also be vulnerable and allow myself to rest completely in GOD. (and those who GOD put in my life to assist).
So I have, I decided to turn my life over to the care of JESUS. Now a kid growing up Jewish, this is a bit more difficult than it seems. It is a battle I fight but thank GOD, JESUS is winning. Now I am at the door of Step 4. This is where I make a “fearless” inventory of myself. Looking out at others and seeing the areas they need to change, well it comes easy for me. (not a good quality) NOW, I am to look inside….. a place that is not very pleasant. SO I DO WHAT I DO BEST, I avoid. I use work, food, chaos and anything I can to avoid. Truthfully I do not even know what I am avoiding.
I am human. My GOD loves me in spite. I love that sentence and use it all the time. MY GOD LOVES ME IN SPITE. That is what gets me through.
It is the standing alone void of any other person that begins this horrid fear inside. I need to know that it really does not matter whether it is the reality or not, I fear being alone. In that fear I am not honoring GOD. I am not trusting in GOD. But once again, MY GOD LOVES ME IN SPITE!
GOD reveals truth. This means I also shall be holding HIS hand and seeking my personal truth with him (and other supports, thank GOD). No more justification, twisting, bending the rules….. just truth. Of course, this does not mean if you ask me if your dress makes you look fat, I shall answer honestly… but it does mean that one step at a time, I will learn what GOD wants me to do and I shall carry that out despite what others think, or whether I am rocking a boat. TRUTH……. Hmmmm, what a concept!
“Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:32).
I attach. I am realizing this is not a normal attachment. This attachment is not a scary obsessive Lifetime movie type of attachment however, it is not healthy. Tearing away my attachments is scary. I have covered myself wholly in them and when peeling them off one by one, I am afraid of what is in the center. I fear there is nothing. So I try and become everything to everyone. It sounds so immensely selfish when I am writing this and it actually is. This is not to say I do not love. I do. It is to say, I have no idea how to love normally. This is not easy to write and reveal. There is a cleansing to write all of this. I also believe it may help someone who has some of these characteristics.
I am weak. I used to think weakness was the absolute worst. I believed, when life knocked you down; you get up, brush yourself off and continue on. DON’T FEEL! Just be positive and all will be ok. Truth be told the appalling fact is that I ACT like I am strong and can handle EVERYTHING when in reality inside I feel like I am torn, damaged and empty.
I can be dark. (This blog post is probably evident on this one). Normally, I hide it under a barrage of jokes. I can be angry, I usually handle this by grabbing onto work, food, people or whatever make that intensity disappear. I use my brain so I do not have to feel. I analyze and depict and tear apart everything to see “why”? And generally the “why” I am trying to figure out is “why am I feeling this way”.
So, why am I writing this? Because I have made a choice to transform several months ago. I have asked GOD into my heart and my life and every fiber in me so that I could be who HE wants me to be. This transformation can be exhilarating at its best and repugnant at its worst. It is those bad times that I realize I hold onto JESUS. When things are calming – I put JESUS on the back burner. I am the prodigal daughter. HE IS the forgiving FATHER. And when I feel alone, abandoned and empty, JESUS loves me, holds me and fills me abundantly. I have to be a willing participant. And when I stray, I must say, I am sorry FATHER. And then that is it. The slate wipes clean and I get to continue my journey with my FATHER.
There is no other relationship like it. NONE! No parental, no mother-child, no marital, no friendship, no sibling – NO RELATIONSHIP that exists where it is like this. Free will and humanistic fiber does not allow for it. So this means we choose. Left to our own devices, most people will not choose what is good for them. Being motivated by money, careers, popularity, fun; all the things correlated to the flesh is usually what we are grown up on and drawn to. At one point whether by addiction, depression, loneliness, or whatever other dysfunction ensues; the question appears, “WHY AM I HERE?” and if you are open to the grace of JESUS CHRIST, your answer will come.
I still battle! Ughhhhhhhh, I hate battles!!! I spent most of my life in conformance with this world so I did not have to battle. My battle is different now. And I battle covered with the armor of the HOLY SPIRIT. And I have prayer warriors I can call into battle with me. Sometimes, I forget this. GOD knows. He knows that life in this world is not easy. HE IS NOT OF THIS WORLD. I hear that over and over. And as much as I hear it, I still battle with it and succumb to the pleasures of this world, forsaking the love of HIM. AND….. like no other, JESUS STILL loves me and still fights for me when I ask.
I wallow in the mud of life, and JESUS washes me clean from the inside out. (I came up with this one, LOL)
I am Deni, short for Denise. I grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood and a Jewish family. In 3rd grade we moved. We moved to a mostly non-Jewish area.... that is where JESUS found me. I say found me because I yet had not acknowledged it, but would find out later.......by grace, HE HELD ME ALL ALONG, just a lil Jewish girl from Philly.