Just say no… that is a line created for drug awareness. But there is so much more to it. I want to find my “NO” again. Somewhere along my road, I lost it. I even justified saying “yes” to things I did not want to do or was not comfortable with because I just felt “it was the right thing to do”. GOD wants our hearts REAL, so even by thinking I was doing the right thing, I actually was building up anger in my heart.
After a while, you lose yourself in a sea of “YES”. So, today I am going to give myself a raft in that sea and it will spell N-O! And as scary as that is to me, it is a must on my road to be the best me.
Psalm 38:8 I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart
I find it challenging to know when to be supportive to others and when to step back. Sometimes, I give so much of my time, energy or resources to others that I feel drained. I desire to remember that YOU are the PROVIDER of all. I am learning that it is not up to me to be the fixer for another person. When I attempt to do this, I am acting on a misperception and that is why I feel drained. I want to change FATHER! I ask that YOU show me the right actions to take based upon my feelings of peace. If I feel compelled to do something for another and I feel peaceful and/or joyful about it, then I will know I am following YOUR direction. When I act from fear, guilt, anxiety or scarcity, I will know I am responding to misconceptions. Please help me to know the difference. Thy will be done. Amen
I am powerless. Those three little words are very hard to say. IF I could take them to heart, I think it would be so freeing. And I am a work in progress.
I have a need to “control”. I control because I believe in that control there is an element of safety. Because of that need though, I have affected my life and those around me probably not in a great way. I have been struggling with this for a long time. Many of my blog posts have been evident of this.
On and off in my life, I have placed myself in the “rooms”. That is what they are called but it means I have been involved in the 12 Step Program. This past week I have finally decided to work it rather than just attend it. Those rooms became a feeding ground for me and my addiction. What is that, you ask? I have a need to over-help. Is that even a possibility you ask? YES, when it comes at a cost to others, myself but more than that to GOD. In essence I try to play GOD. I try to be everything to all those around me because I somewhere along the way believed that this was my role; this was how I was to be loved and gain attention. This was my drug.
So…… simply but in fear of letting go… I am admitting that I am powerless over the manipulation, commanding, and controlling of others and as a result I am also admitting that my life has become unmanageable.
Hebrews 13:15 exclaims, I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Inside I feel awful and I am not asking for ANYONE to let me off the hook. That is not why I write this blog. I share because I am hopeful that through my sharing, perhaps one person may read and relate and see that ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE THROUGH CHRIST.
I have heard a lot lately about “positivity”. MY father and mother both prescribe/d to this notion. And it is a good notion and has its place. But in order to come to that place where you can see the clearing through the brush; one must first clear the brush. I am ok with that. I am also ok that this process may hurt but I am not alone. I may feel alone but I am not.
Denying one the reality of their feelings is denying them their reality. I have done that to my friends, my family and worst, my kids. I am going to stop. Today…. GOD is going to walk with me and guide me. I AM powerless, however, JESUS is not!
I am just me. I am not a superwoman; best mom, best employee, best daughter or really best anything except “best me”. I am flawed, really flawed. I am prideful and intercede where I probably should not because I truly believe that I can prevent the ones that I love from suffering. That is an illusion. One I feed myself daily, and one that actually is hurting those around me.
I think because I read and read the bible and listen to praise music that I am closer to GOD. Perhaps I am to a degree but being closer to GOD does not mean being better, or able to “handle things”. It just means that I am not alone and GOD is showing me where I need to improve while providing me many blessings that I really do not deserve.
I am Saul (Paul) of Tarsus. Oh, I know I have not murdered but I have sinned. My sin used to stand in between me and GOD. I only knew guilt and shame. I did something wrong and either beat myself up about it so much or tried so hard to pretend I did not do it. This is also how I handled things when people around me treated me bad. I created my own little world because truly the world around me hurt.
Then JESUS entered my life at 17. I am now 53 and feel like I am running back into his arms for the first time. Yet, HE was there with me the whole time. I have done wrong to many and myself. However, HE brings me back again and again with loving arms.
I have trouble accepting love. Actually the concept of love confuses the heck out of me. Even when my confusion about love wrangles my mind, JESUS is there. HE holds and held onto me even when I could not hold onto HIM.
Sometimes I have trouble praying, worshiping and even uttering the proper words. GOD hears the groaning of my heart. JESUS does not see me “doing” – writing a blog, praying, worshiping – giving wrong advice, feeling hate, saying mean things – JESUS knows my real heart; the heart that more than anything just wants HIM. JESUS even knows I struggle, HE knows the authentic me, the good, the bad and the ugly and loves me UP!
I may hate myself at times because I hate my humanity but JESUS sees me differently. Now I just need to go day by day and learn to see me as JESUS does.
DEAR FATHER, Forgive me….. be patient with me. Thank you for holding onto me even when I did not feel your arms. I do love YOU so. In JESUS of NAZERETH’s name I pray. AMEN
That still small voice within? When do we ignore it? When do we listen carefully? How do we know if it is leading us right or wrong? Do you know that GOD speaks to us in many ways?
First and foremost, in HIS WORD. It is there in writing for all to see and hear. I am a bit of a focus-challenged person. So I needed something simple to read. I chose a Children’s bible. It is easy to understand.
GOD can also speak to us through others; whether by sermons, videos, movies, friends, other believers, etc. This one can get tricky. Make sure that you are in numero uno (HIS WORD) first and in constant prayer. Ask GOD to help you listen what HE wants you to hear.
GOD uses music. (I love this one).
GOD uses circumstances, good and bad. Always, the bad turns to good. Romans 8:28. And well the good is always good, need I say more on that one.
GOD uses JESUS and the HOLY SPIRIT to talk to us. If we are still enough, we will hear. 1 Corinthians 3:16.
All in all, if you desire to speak with GOD, HE will speak to you.
How have you heard HIM today?
Isaiah 65:24 "It will also come to pass that before they call, I will answer; and while they are still speaking, I will hear.
I love this quote and wanted to include it:
There are times when we are tempted to sin, but God speaks into our innermost being and directs us to the way that leads to the genuine and absolute fullness of life. Sometimes, as we are singing hymns in a gathering of Christians, the Presence of the Holy Spirit is so heavy that we can hardly bear the brightness of the light and our frail bodies are shaken by the awsome power. (seekfind.net)
I am Deni, short for Denise. I grew up in a Jewish home, in a Jewish neighborhood and a Jewish family. In 3rd grade we moved. We moved to a mostly non-Jewish area.... that is where JESUS found me. I say found me because I yet had not acknowledged it, but would find out later.......by grace, HE HELD ME ALL ALONG, just a lil Jewish girl from Philly.